0 comments Pirates are sexy

I tend to forget that I have a blog. I really should keep you up to date on things because it also helps me keep track of my life.

Recently, I've been getting my life back on track. I have a new job, a new car, and I'm saving up money for a few trips around the country and a move to Seattle. In mental terms, I've been becoming more stable, or at least I think. My doctor is thinking about switching me to a new medication because I've too many side effects, which is going to be a pain.

The latter half of last year has been absolutely terrible, but I'm recovering. I've taken up enjoying the simple things: lighting up incence, a cup of tea, some coffee, a screwdriver at night, music, and pajamas. Gone are the days of serious gaming and programming. I just can't handle either one anymore.

That's all for now. Maybe I'll tell you about my plans to travel to California next time.

With love,

1 comments Wasting Time

Sitting in a dark room with only the monitor for light, my legs crossed on my chair, and listening to the key strokes, the hum of the computer, and the occasional coyote howl in the night, I wonder: what are other people elsewhere in the world doing? It's 2:14 AM and I'm not a bit tired. Maybe it's because I had cereal two and a half hours ago, maybe it's because I'm enthralled with clothes shopping online, or maybe I'm impatient with my sleep time.

Days go by, minute by minute, hour by hour, and nothing gets done. Sleep forwards this time by several hours in the day. So I've taken measures to increase the hours in the day at which I can get more done. And yet, what am I doing with this time? Window shopping for clothes. Do we waste more time when we gain more time? If I had little time to spare, would I get more done? These thoughts are most frustrating.

0 comments The Return

I'm back, and doing much better. As for Ripley, she's been in the middle of moving for the past couple months. Yeah, it takes her that long to get settled. Now hopefully L&T can get back on track.

So, I was sitting in the ever comfortable leather chair without arm rests when I was asked, "What is it you want to do with your life?"

I said to my psych, "I want to make an imprint of myself into the world. That could mean anything, I realize, but to me, that sums up what I've been thinking for the past couple years. I want to make a film. I want to make a national monument. I want to write a novel. I don't want to do all of these things, but I'd like to do just one, just one to make my vision or dream somehow cast onto society so that people will look back and try to imagine what my life was like."

My psych was still listening silently.

"I could settle for a novel, perhaps. At least I'd get a better idea of what to do once I had taken such a step. It'd be like reaching the top of a mountain and finally being able to see down below where the great valleys, and rivers, and fields of grass and trees rest."

"So then why don't you do it?" He asked.

"The problem is that I constantly fall into these states where I don't believe anything I do can push me forward towards my goals in life. I just get into situations where all I can do is sit, listen to music, and wait for the days to pass by until I can muster enough energy to even eat. I'm exaggerating of course, I do eat every day, or at least I try, but it really is difficult to muster enough energy to do anything. The problem is that I think too much on my future."

"Sometimes you just need activities to get your mind off things. Or even people to talk with. Just pick up your phone and call someone. You don't have to speak about what's been pulling you down, or anything remotely important for the matter."

He was right to point that out. I haven't had anyone to talk to in a long time. Nobody ever calls me anymore, and I don't call anyone else anymore either. And I haven't been gaining friends. On the contrary, I've been losing them as the time passes by. I've lost everyone that I normally talk with, and I scarcely ever talk with my current friends. My cousin, for example, I am credibly calm around and short of words. I always have been. It's weird because I'm not like that with most people.

So then, why does all of this happen? It happens because I look for things in my life where they don't exist, or at least no longer do. It's time for change.

0 comments K. Rabbit's Hiatus

I'll be leaving L&T for a while to fix some issues in my life. The elephant has to go. I won't return until everything has been resolved.

0 comments Harsh Confession

I've been in a constant depression for several weeks now, probably a little over a month. In response, I've been turning to times spent at the bar, drawing, and actively pursuing hang-out times with friends, or just people to talk to. I've also been to the bowling alley at least once and I've gone to a few restaurants during this time frame. It's been a little more money spent than what I would've liked, but for the sake of my mental health, it was worth it. Slaying fellow students at class with a machete isn't exactly an option.

On the bright side, I think I'm finally certain what the cause is, and what I can do to remedy it. I'm a little saddened to find out what it really is, but happier to know I can fix this. You see, I've been denying myself the truth, refusing to admit what the problem really was. Strangely though, I never once thought of it before. Perhaps my subconscious didn't like the idea.

Whatever the reason for my blindness, what matters here is that for one to truly fix one's own problems, one has to admit that there actually is a problem to begin with. This can be a harsh reality.